


erectus blackmanicus!

by clementinia



Series: you're a hogwarts hot mess [2]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Harry Potter - Freeform, Harry Potter AU, Hogwarts AU, M/M, headmaster leeteuk, ravenclaw suho, slytherin jongdae, yo fuck it i'm just putting all suju members as professors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-19
Updated: 2017-12-19
Packaged: 2019-02-16 20:37:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13061703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clementinia/pseuds/clementinia
Summary: i am headboy, and i’ve been asked to give a presentation on safe sexual practices, and you will not stop asking me uncomfortable questions to embarrass me, please stop, i know you know the answer to that, we did it last night





	erectus blackmanicus!

**Author's Note:**

> bonus points if you get the title reference

joonmyun sometimes wonders why he accepted the position of headboy. sure, it’s great, he gets to order around the various prefects, gets first choice with all of his classes, and gets to have his own private bathroom. granted, the bathroom is shared with joohyun, head girl and gryffindor, but joonmyun and her get along well. they both have the no nonsense approach when it comes to keeping sure the hogwarts student body stays in check. 

 

but then, there comes situations like these. headmaster park has asked joonmyun and joohyun to present on ‘safe sexual practices’. the headmaster had explained that after last year’s fiasco where a student had tried to magically make their penis larger, the school had been pressed to start a sex ed class. 

 

“and,” headmaster park says with a cheery voice, “since students respond better to other students teaching them, we’ve decided to do a trial run with you two teaching the course!” while joohyun takes the incentive to answer for both of them, saying something along the lines of ‘we will do our best’ joonmyun just screams internally. 

 

it’s not that he’s a prude, or anything. on the contrary, he’s had sex. with a decent array of people. first, there was choi minho, the upperclassmen who was goofy and made joonmyun blush every time they were together. then, there was the chinese exchange student, wu yifan who towered over him and a very nice dick, if joonmyun says so himself. now, in his last year, he’s found himself sharing his bed with slytherin sixth year, kim jongdae. 

 

and _that_ is the reason joonmyun is not looking forward towards this sex ed class.

 

“condoms, while easily acceptable, are only about 85% effective. joonmyun will demonstrate how to put a condom on.” joohyun is incredibly professional about the whole situation while joonmyun’s face burns as he starts to slide the condom over the wooden dildo. jongdae won’t stop making eye contact with him, wiggling his eyes when joonmyun starts to handle the wooden dildo. joonmyun looses it when he finally has the condom on the dildo and looks up, two of jongdae’s fingers in his mouth and joonmyun _swears_ it’s the lube that makes him loose the grip on the dildo, sending it flying. a few of the students start laughing while joohyun just sighs, flicking her wand and the dildo is flying back towards them. 

 

“any questions?” joonmyun tries, laughing hesitantly and begging merlin that jongdae doesn’t open his fat mouth. 

 

his fat mouth that is _incredible_ at dick sucking.

 

“is there a spell to make fingering any easier?” jongdae’s loud drawl comes out and this is exactly why joonmyun didn’t want to teach this sex ed class. he _knew_ jongdae was gonna fuck with him. he doesn’t even know why jongdae is asking, the slytherin had asked joonmyun to cast the spell last night when they didn’t have any lube. 

 

“yes.” joonmyun answers stiffly.

 

“how about to make a regular dildo a vibrating one?”

 

“i mean, you could probably just use _vibarato_ for that.” joohyun answers for him and joonmyun is so thankful for her.

 

“tried it, didn’t work.” jongdae retorts, giving joohyun a look like _don’t answer_ and turning towards joonmyun. 

 

“you know, i’m not sure.” joonmyun stutters.

 

“how about one to get rid of your gag reflex?”

 

another one they’ve tested.

 

before joonmyun can answer, the 4th year chittaphon leechaiyapornkul pipes up.

 

“is it true that there’s a spell to make your dick bigger and j-“

 

“okay! okay, okay, class is over! everyone get your things and go! i bet you’re all hungry, hahahaha!” joonmyun shushes the tiny boy and shoves a condom at him. “everyone take a condom and have a great day!”

 

he can’t look up at anyone’s face as they walk out, all chirping little “thank you joohyun, thank you joonmyun!” 

 

someone coughs in front of him and joonmyun looks up, expecting to see joohyun, but instead it’s just jongdae. “yes?” he tries, voice failing to conceal his true emotions. 

 

“we won’t be needing this tonight.”

**Author's Note:**

> additional bonus points if you can correctly guess who the kid was who tried to magic their dick giant


End file.
